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when i first fell in love I felt beside myself

Id just watch this guy so happy doing things

and when you were happy we were happy

and when we fought I fought with him too

and when he was sad, I was mad —

why do you screw things up so badly?

I still felt the love he didn’t

I needed to try and fix things with you

but slowly it started to tear things in me

and we started talking – me and me

so the times he was hurt I comforted him

I said all the things I’d say to you

and he was greateful happy even with time

love? yeah I think i love him like you’d do.

I wanted him to be a happy guy doing things

I had to learn to love myself

when i was young and believed in the devil the preachers always told us he would test us with our fears. So at first i thought i would just never tell anyone what I was really afraid of that way he would never know, but lo and behold, I still dreamed of scary things. So I asked the clergy how he knew and the informed me they’d forgotten he could ask god to read your mind too because you had to be tested. So i switched my plan to then telling him i’d conquered those fears, though I hadn’t, in hope he’d move on to something new. And that they did, unfortunately. the devil never really did need any help from me to show me what was truly scary

For a while when liam was growing up i read books of any kind thinking i could give him a head start at life when he could understand things by teaching him what’d taken me years to learn in a short while. He would skip all my trial and error. However, that doesn’t work, kids will inevitably learn that things are hot, only by touching a boiling pot, as the saying goes. In the end it’s far more important for me to be someone he can compare scars with.

I point to his head when he’s sitting up in bed with me. He asks me why i’m pointing at his head and i say his brain is in there. His first instinct is to try and reach it by putting a finger in his nose. I laugh and tell him the brain is a sponge, and it soaks up all the information it can at an early age. But if you take it out of the water it dries up. My mother gets a much more clinical explanation for my asking questions. I tell her i was just asking a question because the brain is full of synapses and the sum of what you’ve learned is contained in the connections. That’s not good enough though, the brain isn’t satisfied knowing what it knows. There’s always a synapse with extra space to branch out. She doesn’t understand. I tell her it’s like spiders making their webs bigger. She says i should clean out the cobwebs.

I tell Liam, before he knows it he will have grown into a tall and strong man. & your mind will marvel at the power your body can exert over things. The world will bend and break for you, my son. And you would have forgotten what it is to be soft had it not been for the millions of receptors in your fingertips. They will never tire of the feeling of gliding weightless over things. Combing your hair as my mother did mine when i was young.

if you paid attention in art class you could always tell the people with whom this would become their life’s work. I think, well all the painters, writers, and sculptors would end up doing the same thing. Creating a square is easy with a chisel, easel, or carefully chosen words.

But what makes you good at it is knowing how to sell it.

I have to buy a new domain soon.

ere’s that specific type of claustrophobic realizing you’re surrounded by air just pushing in on you.
and ou’re just pushing past it, but it’s tiring you out.

frankie’s daughter was born today.
and i spent the day burning up in bed with a fever
half dreaming about the beach.

and everyone who’s ever been to the beach would know, the first time you’re ever shown a shell
and told, you hear the ocean in this thing you know. You’re in a bit of disbelief till you hold it
up and listen.

is it because they spend their lives with the sea? I imagine them like little viejitos recounting
their lives with her.

the same way we all have our voices we will never forget, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers,
and now children.

Now I should know about common names, mine’s Christopher, I mean sure every now and then you get one with a k or an f somewhere in there but for all intents lots of  kids get it cause they ran out of John doe’s.. And my mom, bless her heart, will say, Chris I love you, and I gave you that name cause when I first saw you I knew it fit, but my grandpa was much more pragmatic, he said to me ‘boy with a name like that, you better make something out of yourself so that people will say ‘Chris, hell yeah I know that son-of-a-bitch’

Around the beginning of the year i decided i wanted to learn a bit of coding. I’ve always had lots of ideas for apps that haven’t been made, or would never be made. So i set out with an idea for something i could use, though unfortunately won’t be much good to many people. When it’s released soon, i expect even with some minimal word of mouth advertising on websites a handful of people will download it. However, going through the paces of creating it i’ve learned a lot as it’s not a simple “hello world” application.

i started out by spending a couple bones on an old macbook, since apple only lets you program for xcode with it’s own OS. I hadn’t touched a mac since middle school. I had to learn everything from the ground up, how to install, launch, and delete programs.. copy and paste? Took me a good week to stop doing it with the control key how its done in windows.

So i started pouring myself into forums and tutorials wherever i could find online. I made a small amount of progress that way, but a lot of it still didn’t make sense to me, and if i tried to put the small pieces together, they often broke the program or didn’t communicate with each other when it was compiling.

So i got some books, I decided I’d stop trying to cheat the system and learn things in a more conventional way, mostly. I went though all the baby steps i’d passed up starting this whole thing, and suddenly as I finished a few chapters things started to make more sense. I started over from the beginning with my program. Now it’s been a few months since i’ve started this whole thing and i’m pretty glad i’ve stuck with it. I could probably strip out the testing portions of my app and publish it as is, but i want to polish it up a bit more.

Admittedly, i couldn’t completely stick to one thing at a time, and i’ve begun working on making my own book apps next. My imagination for the project is still quite a bit further ahead than my technical know-how.. but i’ve got all the time i need.

& most days I’m still up at 2am because I’ve saved someone, & I just cant sleep after that for a while. It feels almost like you’re some superhero in a way and you should be out there doing more of the same. The dead ones don’t count to your brain, and honestly you can’t be blamed for your fortune any more than you’re paid. It’s your job after all.

& i feel really burnt out after training all these people to do the same. I could do this in my sleep by now. Maybe that’s what’s keeping me awake. I sleep face down in my pillow

I remember touching railings on hot and cold days and always being colder than them. So I was always absorbing heat. & it became ever easier to just pull things inside like that. The sounds of feet contacting the pavement dulled like a receiver inching to meet the handset.

For what, really? In the end it’s not at all like that. It’s just about reaching equilibrium

Ps always be mindful about ranting off like one of the loons about the loons while the sane people in the room are scratching their heads wondering ‘what the fucks wrong with these two?’