forgets

Now I should know about common names, mine’s Christopher, I mean sure every now and then you get one with a k or an f somewhere in there but for all intents lots of  kids get it cause they ran out of John doe’s.. And my mom, bless her heart, will say, Chris I love you, and I gave you that name cause when I first saw you I knew it fit, but my grandpa was much more pragmatic, he said to me ‘boy with a name like that, you better make something out of yourself so that people will say ‘Chris, hell yeah I know that son-of-a-bitch’

Around the beginning of the year i decided i wanted to learn a bit of coding. I’ve always had lots of ideas for apps that haven’t been made, or would never be made. So i set out with an idea for something i could use, though unfortunately won’t be much good to many people. When it’s released soon, i expect even with some minimal word of mouth advertising on websites a handful of people will download it. However, going through the paces of creating it i’ve learned a lot as it’s not a simple “hello world” application.

i started out by spending a couple bones on an old macbook, since apple only lets you program for xcode with it’s own OS. I hadn’t touched a mac since middle school. I had to learn everything from the ground up, how to install, launch, and delete programs.. copy and paste? Took me a good week to stop doing it with the control key how its done in windows.

So i started pouring myself into forums and tutorials wherever i could find online. I made a small amount of progress that way, but a lot of it still didn’t make sense to me, and if i tried to put the small pieces together, they often broke the program or didn’t communicate with each other when it was compiling.

So i got some books, I decided I’d stop trying to cheat the system and learn things in a more conventional way, mostly. I went though all the baby steps i’d passed up starting this whole thing, and suddenly as I finished a few chapters things started to make more sense. I started over from the beginning with my program. Now it’s been a few months since i’ve started this whole thing and i’m pretty glad i’ve stuck with it. I could probably strip out the testing portions of my app and publish it as is, but i want to polish it up a bit more.

Admittedly, i couldn’t completely stick to one thing at a time, and i’ve begun working on making my own book apps next. My imagination for the project is still quite a bit further ahead than my technical know-how.. but i’ve got all the time i need.

& most days I’m still up at 2am because I’ve saved someone, & I just cant sleep after that for a while. It feels almost like you’re some superhero in a way and you should be out there doing more of the same. The dead ones don’t count to your brain, and honestly you can’t be blamed for your fortune any more than you’re paid. It’s your job after all.

& i feel really burnt out after training all these people to do the same. I could do this in my sleep by now. Maybe that’s what’s keeping me awake. I sleep face down in my pillow

I remember touching railings on hot and cold days and always being colder than them. So I was always absorbing heat. & it became ever easier to just pull things inside like that. The sounds of feet contacting the pavement dulled like a receiver inching to meet the handset.

For what, really? In the end it’s not at all like that. It’s just about reaching equilibrium

Ps always be mindful about ranting off like one of the loons about the loons while the sane people in the room are scratching their heads wondering ‘what the fucks wrong with these two?’

it’s funny what we’d do for food. This lady who lived by school used to sell rice krispies treats to get by. and just a house before you got there was a kid who used to sit there with $1 in hand every day. He said he was buying souls, and you’d be surprised to know who sold. Those who weren’t superstitious first, then those who believed such a thing couldn’t be bought, then those who were just hungry and later came to regret their decision. It was in that long game that money was finally made. People who frequently came offering a bare minimum $5, up to $10, maybe, if you held out long enough.

Why’s it feel like people would let it go for a lot less in my age?

The other day we went out to the car club meeting. Andy asks for this all the time, i think it helps him talk, and he gets to introduce me to everyone.

unfortunately it is entirely within humans to answer questions quickly to move on to the next thing. Worse yet, it, the human brain, seems to detest unanswered or unanswerable questions, by their very nature whose increasing complexity will oftentimes elicit a simpler and simpler response.
does it exist?
no.

i remember that when i was about 16 though, me and andy were in an arcade, and he was talking to the guy who worked there about plans for life. I remember listening in, cause it’s always a bit of a rarity to hear people talking about dreams as they get older.. 27, at 27 i’d get married, and have babies maybe by 29, retire by 50 or something. The guy who he’d been speaking to was well on his way at 29 already. Then time passes and you realize afterwards you’d somewhat followed the plans unknowingly. You wonder where your half life is, and what has changed about the things you want to accomplish. You remember a good friend who never had a chance to accomplish anything, who didn’t know he was halfway through where he’d be at 16. Wonder about keeping that drive at your age, when the things you’ve been waiting for have been getting smaller, yet further away. Does it all come to a head that year when you realize you’ve been waiting all year for january to roll around so you could get a nice big fat income tax return? Counting down the days to the weekend constantly? You don’t know really, its hard to think that time has been wasted when you don’t know how much you have left.

When they asked people once, if they wanted to know the time and the date, they resoundingly said no. Was it because you’d be crushed under the weight of knowing and just give up towards working toward anything?

I found it easier to accomplish anything should you have that arbitrary date. that the stopwatch that ad been running up since before you were watching it consciously were to be stopped by your own hands. It made it way easier to run the race always keeping pace. You just had to stick to the plan.

it isn’t at all accidental running into someone at a supermarket years later, you just hadn’t noticed them hunting you down the tundras of the frozen food aisle, grazing along like buffalo in meat, only to be cornered when you’d strayed from the herd and ventured into legumes. You poor, poor thing. Carnivores before herbivores.

Hey you remember that thing you wrote..
Yeah, yeah I do, but let me stop you before you continue,
See here’s the thing, the people, the places,
They never mattered, they were never the muse,
It was always the whiskey

today i had to give the order today to put turkey to sleep.
and though i left my liege with a heavy heart, i pet him as softly as ever